Hello!

Hi. S'beenawhile.

A few months have passed since I last posted anything. I totally forgot about blogging. Welcome to my head.

Five minutes ago I was going to say a bunch of junk about what was going on- kind of Debbie Downer-ish. Within the gap of then and now I have decided that I'm redic for thinking the way I do.

I was going to complain about being over school- really? I chose to be in the program, and I'll be lucky to get the degree. Luckier than a lot- what's to be sad about that? So, I have to work. Quit being arrogant.

I am single- why should I complain about that? I want someone so bad I can feel it in my bones- but I could be 23 and raising a 5 yr. old like my mom did, or divorced like many of my classmates have. But where am I now on these thoughts? I'm single, but I have HUGE hope. I have the knowledge that God is taking care of the situation as I type- that at some point I will have the opportunity to start a relationship anew and make better choices. I can, if only once more, enjoy the butterflies and big goofy grin that accompanies a new "crush." I can look forward to things.

I am broke. I am broke, and I am in debt. But I have low rent, loans, and supportive parents. I don't have huge financial burdens (yet). I will also hopefully have job opportunities come May. That's all in God's hands. Though I have no money, in reality, I have fewer worries and burdens than do most people.

I'm 23 and I have the world at my fingertips. I have food, family, education, opportunity. I'm not a 9 yr. old trying to figure out why my parents have divorced, or an aimless teenager (anymore). Instead, I'm blessed. Not because I'm special, deserve it, or have earned it. Only because God's pretty cool. Maybe I'm here to share my love to those who are burdened with the situations I talked about. To listen. I finally figured out that my life isn't good because it is owed me. It's because I'm meant to use my blessings and experiences to help other pepole. Not to feel sorry for myself but to offer myself.

Sorry I'm not a.... Somalian baby!

Wonderful 4th of July weekend Part II:

While my other friends were tanning at the beach, I was playing catch phrase in the North Carolina mountains with some lovely people. And I loved it...every bit of it. I promised last night that I'd document the wonderfulness of the stay at the Brown's cabin. First of all, I just have to say how good they are. There's no telling how many people they have extended this lovely vacation home to out of the goodness of their heart! And then how awesome Chad is for getting it all planned. As a matter of fact, let me just brag on my friends.

1) Chad. Chad has credentials that every real man should have, and every Christian for that fact. He made so many kind gestures, big and small and did them all gladly. It still makes me smile thinking about how he took stuff from the drivers seat that was in my way just to get out of my way, how he set the table for all of us to eat at, how he fixed coffee just right when we were cooking, how he so awesomely d.j.'d, how he did odds and ends around the cabin that we asked him about, how he cleared out a fire pit. Did it all happily, or did a good job making it seem that way :)

2) Stephanie. Steph is just simply lovely. She has listened to my sometimes non-cohesive thoughts and groanings and has shown nothing but empathy and love. She makes things so happy and light-hearted. She is a blast and can make me laugh at pretty much any point..."I'm sorry I'm not a ... Somalian baby." She also does stuff without complaining, and is glad to help wherever help is needed, no matter what type it is. She's honest, she's positive, she's selfless, she's a good cuddler, and a good friend.

3) Alex. Alex is simply salt of the earth. Introspective at times, but always insightful. One of those who seems smarter because he doesn't interject ridiculousness into a situation. He's also glad to do anything for anyone, and one of the last to moan about it- even when the situation would obviously be frustrating. He consciously makes good decisions, even if the most of us would let our feelings take control. A good friend.

Together we had some sweet fun, and awesome food. I'm missing the pancakes and watching the sun set right about now. Aaand the perfect fresh air, everything around me being green, waking up to Stephanie, outdoor showers, outdoor chairs, insane hikes, Chad's momma's everything cookies, listening to wonderful mixed cd's, driving down, up, and around the mountains, only mountains surrounding us, the convenience of no cell service, laughing until I cry (or in some people's cases, peeing a little on myself), talks with God, and smiling faces.

Thank you, Jesus.
Amen.

I didn't think about myself for five hours and it was blissful

This blog is the first of a two-part series unveiling the significance of the recent 4th of July weekend, 2010. It is not chronologically ordered, but begins with a situation that is astronomically, hugely important to me.

So, sparing you the details, I'll simply say that I have been reunited with some family members. 5 members, to be exact. 5 a-maz-ing members named Sheila, Mary Kate, Macey, Kylie and Chase. I haven't seen them in two years, at least any of the children. Today after a most amazing weekend, my mother brought Mary Kate and Macey up in my car to drop it off and hang out for a few hours.

I say this last statement as if it is just any other day. But, it's monumental- I've not seen these amazing young ladies in two years. How much catching up to do?! Have you ever considered how much growing goes on in two years between a 10 and 12 year old? Last time I saw them we were eating ice cream at a park, this time, comments coming from their end were filled with logic, thought, and sincerity. They're so smart! They can also do crazy gymnastic things, MK can flip any which way, and Macey can walk longer on her hands than I can my feet!


All this to say, this visit from them is exactly what I've been needing. I've needed it not only because I wanted to see them, but because something had to make me realize it's time to think about someone besides myself. There are few people that I would sincerely and honestly put before myself. That sounds selfish, but it's the ugly truth. There are few people that make me forget about myself as soon as I see them; my purpose becomes to do and be for them what they want and need. They're two of those people.

Hit me on the way back from the fro-yo place that God makes us to be an energy bar; our purpose is purely to serve. It's not to make you full, satisfied by wonderful taste, or fat/ happy. It's meant to supply you with the fuel to do BIG things; work out, run, hike. Shamefully, I live my life to serve myself leading to complete and utter dissatisfaction. I look at my life as an empty plate, NEEDING a meat and three. Notice I said "needing" and not "giving." I've made this space for "needing" so big that no amount of things can fill it. But today I became the energy bar. All I needed was just enough umph to make them happy and it was all good from there, it became all about them. And it was bliss.

So, the past five hours as an energy bar I received wonderful things. I experienced and gave pure LOVE. Sincere and pure. I was happy and it tasted better than any four course meal I could have ever worked to receive.

Ideal...

Ideally...
I wouldn't feel like a Debbie Downer right now and wish the following:

1) That school didn't exist anymore- or at least the horrible anxiety I have because of it would disappear

2) That my supervisors didn't expect me to spontaneously know everything and make me feel like an idiot because I don't (maybe I wish that they would actually TEACH me something)

3) That I knew what the crap I was doing with my clients and seemed more confident, even if I don't know what's going on

4) That I hadn't packed my schedule so tightly that I pretty much have no time to have fun and cut loose a little

5) That I felt skinnier and more tan

6) That I felt happier...or something- not just like I'm going through the motions

7) That I had some awesome man to hug me at the end of the day

8) That I had tougher skin

9) I felt completely happy alone with me and God

10) That I could hike or do something physically exhausting with extra time that I don't have

11) That summer was over

12) That it was May 2011 and I could graduate and go somewhere else for a while

13) That next weekend would come fast, at the very least

And that is about it :) Sorry if you feel depressed now.

Sreepy

Hiya.

I'm exhausted and possibly incoherent right now. And, blah! I feel gross. I ate a veggie burger (bad idea #1) then did a Jillian workout (bad idea #2) at 10 pm (seriously?). Maybe I'll be glad of it tomorrow :)

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because I have literally been going nonstop since the last time I blogged. For the most part, life has been redundant. Work, clients, class. However, there have been some exciting things to go on of recent:

#1- My friend Holly got hitched and I was a bridesmaid. Woot woot!! It was in a beautiful, beautiful Methodist church. My question, why don't the Churches of Christ have stained glass?! Priceless comment from my grandmother in regards for her 23 year old granddaughter being single, prompted by this occasion: "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride." She's always been encouraging :)

#2- I have made some new friends at work, aging from 6 mos-6 yrs. They're awesome. However, I did stick my hand in poop last week checking for a "dirty." Surprise...dirty! Just to let you know, I'm not dumb enough to stick my hand too far down. This stuff just came too far up. TMI, I know. Sorry

#3- There has been recent familial reconciliation. I've regained five cousins, four of them under the age of 13 and the other being their mom. A. maz. ing. I realized that maybe I can expect things to get better sometimes instead of thinking things will stay the same/ bad. Now I have some of my family back :)

#4- One of my wheel bearings is shot to pieces. I got home and my dad literally said "Your wheel is seriously about to fall off." I could feel it wobbling the last time I tried to drive. Father's Day came at a very appropriate time. God love the man, he's seeing that it gets fixed.

#5- Since my bearing is shot, I'm driving Mom's Envoy. Bam!! Hello big vehicle that's fun to drive, but nauseating to fill up with gas!!

#6- I'm working with a 70 something year old man who has been on a feeding tube for a year. Hasn't tasted food...IN A YEAR. Ponder that thought for a second, and then thank God if you are able to eat and enjoy the sensation of taste. Anyway, I've gotten to witness this man light up at the thought of improvement and the ability to eat a milkshake :) He was even ecstatic about the thought of pureed pancakes. Gross, one would usually think. Optimism and appreciation, this man has!

Now I'm anticipating the arrival of Ms. Stephanie Ammons and a trip to a cabin far away from here. Yay for good times to come!! I'm loving things right now!! My summer isn't much of a typical summer, but I'm one semester closer to graduating. Sadly, whatever tan I had...I've lost.

His plan

So I know some amazing people. One person just happens to be my supervisor. We kid a lot, she just has a fantastic personality. Generally, I would be intimidated by someone in my field that has a doctorate and who is basically my boss. But, she just has this air about her that speaks gentleness and respect. Anyway, she's been going through some serious stuff. Her daughter, two years younger than me, has just had serious neurosurgery. Her son is getting married in less than a month. Two months from the date of her daughters surgery is her sons wedding. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions.

But, the point in saying all of this is to let you know how inspirational she has been. I don't know her well, but she seems as gathered now as she did a month ago. She said that it has been an emotional roller coaster, going from being angry to feeling blessed. She spoke of how powerful prayer is, how powerful the prayer was in the waiting room while her daughter was in surgery when at least twenty people from church gathered for support. Evidently the girl was walking the line, it was close, and it was serious. She said that there is no logical reason why things were successful other than the power of Him. She reflected on how the sequence of events beforehand were so perfect for the preparation of the situation- how if things had stayed how they were six months previous to her daughters diagnosis, the circumstances would have made things much more devastating. How intricate?

It awesome to frequently do some serious reflecting. How has every situation we've encountered on this walk of life fallen into place because the pieces fit together perfectly? The pieces usually fit together perfectly because they're not following our guidance, but His. The ridiculous situations I've gotten myself into I have made it out of by being nudged by Him, in the opposite direction of what I planned. Same for my supervisor and her daughter.

Things will happen, bad things. And we'll fight against the hand of God when we feel we know best. But, the most amazing reality is that He is forever more powerful than we are, and He has the final say :)

Psa. 29:10-14
"This is what the Lord says: "Babylon will be powerful for seventy years. After that time I will come to you, and I will keep my promise to bring you back to Jerusalem. I say this because I know what I am planning for you." says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me! I will let you find me..."

I know that I’m in reach ‘cause I am down on my knees waiting for something beautiful…

By nature, I hope, I think a lot about the relationship between men and women. It seems to be the topic of many conversations, as it has been for quite some time. I wonder what will be the hot topic when all of my girlfriends and I are married (insurance rates, houses, calcium medicine). Those of us who aren’t married talk less about being with someone than we used to, though I’d say we yearn for it more day by day. That’s one thing that I find interesting about the way friendships and relationships in general evolve; we begin to talk less about things that increasingly become more important to us. I think we like to hold these feelings close to our heart as they are extremely valuable. When they reach their utmost level of importance: marriage, relationships are talked about even less. I think it’s wonderful! I have mucho respect for those who sincerely want to keep the highs and lows of marriage between the two.

I have talked to a mentor-friend of mine who speaks of when she dated her husband. She wanted to keep the feelings she had for her future husband to herself; she didn’t let everyone know how she was feeling. It was her GIFT! I want that! I want something that was started between me and the man I’m waiting for and I want it to be genuinely sacred. I don’t want a faux relationship that was conjured up by another friend trying to set me up. I’ve been forcing God’s time by trying these “set ups” out. For those who said ‘just go out for a dinner, and don’t worry if you don’t wind up liking each other,” why don’t you go out with him? Is it just me, or are failed first dates, diminished phone calls, or bad connections hard to dismiss? Takes a toll on the ol’ ego after a while.

So, “you just know.” Then I guess I’ll just wait. I think many times about the companionship I want from a relationship. I think so much about how I want a spiritual leader. A real man. I want it SO BAD and ON MY OWN TIME that I think that tool that I’m trying to make it work with may miraculously turn into a spiritual leader. PLEASE. How many girls would I chastise for doing this same thing?

I AM SO BLESSED!! I am so blessed that God has me single right now!! And, I say this for the rest of you who are without a significant other. I think it’s pretty powerful that He is preparing me and my future MAN to be together. That He is forcing me to grow right now- because I wouldn’t be doing it on my own free will right now.

Our God is good. The sole purpose for a relationship is to glorify Him. To live for Him. To help those in our path to walk with him. It works this way single or in a relationship.

I like cards, cake, and flowers

Aw, man. Alls I can say is that my weekend was fantastic thanks to some awesome friends of mine. I didn't expect much out of my 23rd birthday. It's not celebrated as a huge milestone, but it was probably my favorite. We'll start with the fact that I'm off FB. Let's all admit, those of us who have or who have had FB, that it is nice for your wall to be eat up with "happy birthday!!" I was afraid I would miss that. But, no. Hearing it from people that know when my birthday is without a status update makes things extra special! The fact that Steph and Co. had a get together to celebrate with me was tight. Low key. Cool people. Cards. Great food. Good games. Fun times. No boos.. Flowers*. My cousin also text me a bday wish at 12:01. Cute, right? I wound up going to a wedding on the actual day. It was nice! It was nice because I was able to travel a little bit with the Agape kids, check out a beautiful English garden, and have lunch at Cracker Barrel with some more friends all before coming back to veg out, watch a movie, and eat some scrumptious cake. I just felt LOVE all around, all weekend. Love through greetings, wishes, cards, and presence (literally, being around people). Thank you all :)

I will say that I missed my family being around...and Gerilyn, Jaime, Nate, and Ashley.

I've also been staying alone in the apartment for the past couple of days while S. Jackson stays in Millington. It's kind of nice being here, a prelude to living alone. I like being able to buzz around and do my own thing- run around however you want. It's quiet...which will probably take a while to get used to. However, I do like having Jack around. We don't see each other much, but it's still good to know that we're here together for the meantime.

I've been getting some sun, too! I like that Vitamin D! It's so soothing to lay out. I've also been hittin' the Jillian Michaels. She makes me mad enough to finish her workout. That's legit motivation. AND I shopped partly organic last week. It's expensive, but me likes. Which brings me to a recent thought. I like change, I also like consistency- but change is nice. I guess I like a core of consistency and an orbit of change. It's interesting to me how we can strive to change something very consciously for so long, but most change seems to sneak up on you. I've grown in friendships that I didn't expect, I'm in the midst of dropping bad habits, and hopefully growing.

Cha-cha-cha-changes

Excited that Needtobreathe has an opening song on 'Castle.' Had to say that before I forgot! I'm still on a SERIOUS kick listening to their music only.

Anyway, how nice. I'm sitting in the apartment that I'm now sharing with S. Jackson watching Dancing with the Stars. I don't know what to do with myself! I'm moved into this place for the most part and am looking forward to spending the next year here by myself or with her. Right now things are pretty peaceful and I have no concept of time. Kind of like how you get when you're on vacation- not much looking at the clock, no intense pressure, doing things at your own pace. I feel more productive and much less stressed this way. I think this concept of time comes from having no weird vibes about this new place. At a certain point you're able to associate dwelling places with good, bad, stress, hurt, dissatisfaction and so on. I guess that's how it got with the old place- sooo many memories. This place is fresh and pure. I could use that in my life.

I'm afraid I'll start watching more t.v. now that I'm here. There's a set in the den/ my bedroom that is very convenient to cut on. I enjoyed a little VH1 this morning; some wake up music thingy. It was on while I was cleaning and straightening up. That's when I realized that I am really digging routine and organization. I think that's another sign of age. But I like it :) I was also actually looking forward to coming back to my clients. Predictability has become my friend. Most predictability; like my coffee in the morning, the weekly cleaning of my bathroom, the schedule of my clients, and frequent friend dates. Predictability I am not a fan of- exams, cleaning my clothes/ dishes, boys being stupid.

This past week has been kind of bizarre. So many beginnings and ends. Helen graduated and went back to Winchester. Someone that I've shared the majority of my life with for the last 4.5 years. I've moved in with someone else I've shared a lot of my college life alongside- Sara Jackson. I'm feeling good about this. She is such great friend/ encourager/ listener. Staying with her will be good, and I certainly hope that she is able to gain something from the situation. Hollybob is getting hitched in three weeks, and two other people I know are getting hitched within the next month. May- June are a whirlwind of changes; mostly good! Thankfully. I'm glad for times like this, though they can be overwhelming. It makes me reflect and/or short-circuit myself. I'm not graduating or getting married. Reality check: I'm halfway through a program and am not wasting my time with someone who isn't worth it. Those are both nice things. Grass is always greener? Not really... just different and interesting.

My summer break

So even though I can hear a few cars passing on the highway close to the house, it’s still pretty peaceful to be in McMinnville. The fireflies are even out J I used to catch them and keep them in a jar. Of course we poked holes in the jar, we were humane!

I’ve been here about a week now, and it’s been good for the most part. I let temporary occurrences completely overshadow the good things that go on and the agitations get in the way of enjoyment. It’s slowly sinking in the precious moments that we have together, as family and as friends. I didn’t begin to realize this until recently…how old my family is getting. How it’s not just arthritis and a little back pain, but congestive heart failure, kidney problems, and an overall decline in health. I’m mainly referring to my grandmother and her siblings. I have always been closer her side even more than my immediate relatives. There are many things about that generation that baffle me, and distance me from them. Like their racisms, very traditional views of the church, and passivism toward necessary conflict. BUT they also offer rare and BEAUTIFUL jewels. Like how reflexive selfless love is by giving; love unsolicited. Not just taking food to the bereaved, but giving my mom flowers that originated at my great-grandmothers house (mom= big fan of flowers and sentiments). Like making me sweet cross-stitch pieces, and cooking country ham and red-eye gravy when I come home. Also, simply the simplicity of life. Like “tootin’ around” with my Granny, just riding around the country side and her pointing out flowers I don’t know about (I bet we’ve done that since I was 13 and learning to drive illegally J). Like how Unk and Aunt Doris would drive me 30 minutes to the Waffle House in Manchester before we had one, or how they took my to Lucky Community Center and Unk got on the see-saw with me. Or how Aunt Nelta is still picking up grand-kids and adopted grand-kids from school and entertaining them until their parents get off. Even writing this makes me forget about how irritated I get here.

I woke up this morning extra-emotional. Meaning I was able to cry at an appropriate time, actually at a very hyper-sensitive level for me. Usually I can only cry at inappropriate times, like when I’m laughing hysterically. I started to tear up almost immediately after I woke up- this was solicited by a tender dream. My great uncle was in the dream. He just lost his wife and I saw him on Sunday. I don’t know where you come from, but I’m not accustomed to seeing men emotional. We asked him how he was right off of the bat and he tuned up. He’s not doing well, physically or emotionally. This is a wonderful man who is old, who has just recently lost the love of his life, who can’t expect anything to be the same physically from one day to the next, who is simply broken. This is natural, and ok, I must reassure myself. But talk about raw sadness. Not just “I’m sad because my car broke down, or nothing is going my way.” But, sad because you are never really prepared to be at such a loss. You’ll never again be at such a loss. And you’ll never really ever recover. You know though, I think this is love at its purest. When else do you feel comfortable enough to need someone, or for someone else to mercilessly extend themselves to you and offer you love and support? Usually when you have nothing else to lose. We saw him today, and he was in higher spirits. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he’s got a massive family with good values that will support him to the utmost. He’s a good man.

I also cried today because a 20 year old man, a hero as we say, died. He died by gunfire in Afghanistan. The second one in our county to have their lives taken in this war. May not seem like many, but this is a small county. 20. I knew of him, knew of him a long time ago. He was a feisty thing that was small, but went the extra lengths to make sure that he not only kept up with the rest, but exceeded them. His mom found out on Mother’s Day. I feel shameful saying I don’t consider the war or our soldiers much. I’d be the first to rag on the government (not that I know a whole lot of what’s going on). But this man died to keep us here. I may not agree with everything the government stands for, I don’t understand a lot. But strip us of the technologies and the arrogance and we are still a land full of people here to this day primarily because people like him have fought, risked, and given their lives. If we don’t watch the news or read the newspaper, we’re not aware of what people are risking. Matter of fact, we’re selfish enough to think that nothing goes on and things are good simply because we’re American- we are just in a state of being that is profound naturally. What does being American stand for? And who has made you American- are you by birthright, or are you because people have fought for you to be? 20. At twenty, I was just beginning to feel like an adult. I’ve celebrated a 21^st, 22^nd, and soon a 23^rd birthday since then. So young.

Anyway, I’m sure you feel optimistic after reading this. Not being a Debbie Downer, but a little more going on in my head than usual. If you’re reading this and understand it, reflect a little on some stuff. And please pray for Jeremy Brown’s family.

We could go away, maybe we could change, get back on our feet again...

We could run away...or maybe we could change, get back on our feet again, maybe make it home again. That would be a true sense of accomplishment.

By nature, I'd like to run as far away as possible. In many ways I have. What a sense of relief when you stick around and through it. Yeah, callousness arises and things seem much less appealing. It's much more dramatic and exhilarating to run from a situation when you are at your emotional peak of anger, pain, and confusion. It makes the retelling of the stories much more interesting "well, she did this and I told her to bite me and never call me again." The stories that end with "yeah it was crap, but we came to a level of reconciliation or are able to maintain a level of civility" aren't near as exciting. However, those are probably the most peaceful situations. Maybe sometimes it takes us a super long time to get over that pain, anger, and confusion. Maybe sometimes there is a continual residual effect of those emotions. And it sucks so bad to deal with it- but it probably has the most fulfilling outcome. Maybe not in the form of a golden friendship, but in the form of personal strenght.

I know I'm just a student, and I have few wise stories. But, I've experienced my first long period of discomfort. The luster is beginning to fade- which is fine. It's fine because when the shine fades, it reveals truth. Truth is much more pure and easy to deal with than having to first work to wear down the shine to get to the meat of things. It's sad to realize that some of the people you're around are polished with an exuberance, and are at the core, so rusted and scared to reveal themselves. We're all that person more times than none. What bondage? Yuck. But there is something so beautiful about the humility of a raw, broken person. So for that, I am grateful for the polish to fade. I'm much less attractive when I'm real to those who are still satisfied solely with shine. It's hard to accept that my friend repertoire decreases when I become this person. But how pure do those relationships become that you maintain? What kind of example are you setting for that person that is now put off by your rust? When they're ready, it will no longer be foreign. It's REAL. It's nice to see real in this world.

So, I challenge us to strip ourselves of this polish. Be raw. Be broken. Be real. Let God offer his truth through us, His humility.

Things are on the upswing. I say this past year has been rough, and it has. Thank God that these things have happened. It's so awesome, because when you reveal brokenness to those not scared of truth- they help put you back together. How beautiful. Thank you for you who have been my adhesive, to you who have dealt with my qualms, to you who have been my support. Let me do that for you.

Should I be doing something else?

It's been a bit since the last time I blogged. I thought I would be able to keep up with it a little more often than I have.

Right now I'm dog-sitting for my friends Bree and Aaron while they go to her sister's graduation. I'm in there house...and loving it! You don't realize how much you're privacy deprived until you get into a large open space and realize nobody else is in it :) I look forward to having a house and a dog. For the next year or so, I guess I'll take the downstairs apartment at the Fuller's. That will be a for sure advancement!

Of course I am procrastinating studying for my dysphagia exam. It's going to be about as fun as it sounds. At this point, I've forgotten that I'm actually still in school. Whoops! I'm doing a good job putting it off. Right now I'd rather let my allergies settle and watch Twilight... and I guess blog.

I have a few statements for the week regarding disposition and general friendliness. Just as a disclaimer: I make faces at people when they pass by me without returning my smile/ wave. Seriously, are people so unhappy about life that they have a permanent grimace on their face? So aggravated at the human race that they can't seem to used the paralyzed muscles around their lips and pull up the corners just to respond to a kind gesture? Well, just so you know, I stick my tongue out at you when we pass and you make me feel stupid for being nice. Bite me.

I also have a few statements for the week regarding motivation and complaining. I have come to the unfortunate realization slowly the past year that I am an adult. Which I now understand gives me another level of expectation for my fellow a-dults. And it gives me another tolerance. I used to feel bad for people that seemed socially inept. Key words being 'used to.' But if you're AT LEAST my age. Don't talk to me about 'being bored,' or 'I don't have anyone to hang out with or anything to do.' DETACH yourself from facebook, myspace, the wii, blogging, TV...whatever your addiction(s) may be. Then follow these simple steps. 1) Pick up that expensive cell phone you use only to text 2) bypass the message screen and go straight to the phone book 3) find a friend 4) hit the CALL button (sometimes it's green/ red) 5) Use respiratory and oral pressure to ask the person on the other line to hang out. OR 1) Since you're already on the computer, go to Google 2) Look up volunteer positions in your area 3) or look up some sort of cool class to go do 4) MAKE THE EFFORT and go do it. Please, people. Spare me. You're far too talented and able-bodied to just let your butt atrophy from lack of will. You can be social. You just don't want to try. I have zero tolerance for apathy, so don't expect me to entertain you by feeling bad or responsible for your unhappiness.

I feel like this post is bi-polar. Oh well. Welcome to my life.

Green pastures

Man, sometimes I love McMinnville.

I'll pass on the small town drama, but give me a healthy dose of the sun shining on the green grass at about 6pm and I'll be good for a day or two. Being in this town doesn't bring back the fondest of memories or feelings, especially when you're coming back to put someone to rest. However, something so refreshing and healing is to see that I'm not the only one that has changed- many people that used to give me bad feelings have changed for the better. That has to be one of the greatest feelings of closure. It's good to see and hear good stories about where people have chosen to take their lives. I guess I've had an incredibly arrogant attitude toward many of them. I'm glad they've proved my hateful judgments wrong.

Another thing that's nice is that this seems like a completely different world, all together. It's pretty easy for me to forget about the reasons why I haven't enjoyed Knoxville lately when I'm a couple of hundred miles away. The simplicity of this place can be calming. I realize how I cling to unnecessary stress and tension when I'm at school. The world doesn't mandate us to feel that way... we let it happen to ourselves. The past few months I have drug myself through undesired grief, making many situations worse than they are. The first time I've experienced true unrest with relationships. I'm praying that God will deliver a huge dose of love and forgiveness (both for others and myself). And hope. I'm praying for hope for those that I have thrown the towel in on. Hope for them, and hope for a restored and healthier relationship with them one day. He delivers.

I just love my Momma. Swear to it, she's one of the hardest working people that I've ever met. She does huge things in one fell swoop. I'm beginning to realize that my acquired OCD habits have been directly inherited! I don't realize how independent I've allowed myself to be until I'm around her. So much so that the natural gestures from her or a friend to do something very nice makes me uneasy and awkward. Mom makes my bed and cleans up my crap on the floor (that I intend on picking up later). Really? My friend opens the car door for me, and makes other nice gentlemanly gestures. How are you supposed to react? I say 'thank you,' but why in the world does it feel so weird? Sometimes I guess we don't realize how much we put our guard up. I think it could be a bit unnatural.

Anyway, this is a random post. Not that most of mine probably aren't random.

Whoever reads this: if it is raining, enjoy the sound of the raindrops and be calmed by it. If the sun is shining, soak up some extra vit. d for me. If you're bummed out, pray and then do something incredibly distracting. If you're happy, pray for and distract someone that is bummed.

Buenas.

Consume me like a fire...cause I just want something beautiful to touch me

Well, dang.

Near perfect weekend that has been a long time coming. There is nothing more soothing than driving in the sunshine and being consumed by good music. I met Bryson in Nashville for some dinner, after managing to get lost while using a GPS. How, do you ask? That's a great question. I'm talented. Anyway, we ran around Nashville for the rest of the evening and wound up seeing another intern-friend of ours (Shane). Reunions are bien. Night ended with a bonfire at his house...sweet! Who can top meeting new people and having an all-too-involved conversation about Disney movies? That's right. Nobody. Good times, man.

The rest of the weekend was a whirlwind! My friends, Jaime and Caleb came over for a little visit in the noon hours. I don't get to see them enough, ever. Sadly, I feel like we're going to wind up further apart demographically over the next few years. Upside: we'll have an actual income and insta-vacation location :)

Sunday was spent throwing my grandfather a birthday party that I'm sure was the highlight of his week. It was amazing the turn out, and the love shown through friendships was overwhelming. It was so cool to witness how much love you wind up having for each other as time progresses. Like a good wine.

So, sad note. My great aunt and uncle are both super- sick and over the doctor thing. They both wound up in the hospital last week (one in Chatt, and one in McMinn). Way unfortunate is the fact that Nina had a stroke with accompanied complications during surgery and isn't going to make it. Big, fat, huge bummer. However, God has made himself more evident through them than many. They've only been married maximum 15 years and have been the most in-love, involved couple I've ever seen. Both cater to one another and are each other's priority. Absolutely, undeniably, purely beautiful. How I think God intends it to be.

BUT- my little client today did say her ABC's consistently! HUGE deal!!

Lessons learned the past three days: Value the friendships composed of unique connections and relish the few hours you get to spend with them every blue moon (Bryson, Shane and Jaime). Relish them for decades when you only get to see each other at weddings and funerals, and the occasional birthday party (Paul). Give, and give, and give. If enough of us do that, we'll have a healthy relationship or two (Austin and Nina). Be CONSUMED by the fire of love...it's always around us.

They're from a place called Possum Kingdom

Meet Bo. We're getting married. God love it, he looks a bit dopey, but I like it :)

Meet Bear. His voice rocks my world. I mean, for real rocks my world. And, I like that he's named Bear and is from a place called Possum Kingdom.

Meet Seth Bolt. He is one of the guitarists/ mandolinists. He seems pretty legit. I liked him.

I should be in bed right now, as I have a client EEEARLY and long day tomorrow. However, I have to spread the joy to my multitude of followers (steph) of how amazing Needtobreathe is live. The two opening acts, Will Hoge and Matt Hires were a wonderful prelude. I highly suggest trying them out for a spin.

Bear (lead singer) has such a soulful voice, very powerful! No quality lost in this live show, if anything, they sounded awesomer. Oh, and they came and sang Washed by the Water on the balcony about ten feet from us (that could be a stretch, but it wasn't far!) acoustic version. Simply beautiful.

Gotta spread my gratitude to Chad, because he knows how to do things right! Wonderful, thoughtful friend. I appreciate him so much. You know one of those days when things just seem all right? Like all sensory things are working in your favor? Good food, great company with someone you've not spent time with in a while, warm weather, good entertainment, good wine. It was one of those days.

Thank you, Chadwick!

Lethargy with a shot of espresso and Vit. D

Hump day! Gotta love it.

Must share: the little dude/ client I have on Wednesdays is a slow processor; he has some brain damage due to a shunt that causes him to be delayed by a few seconds. He's a wobbly walker, and a little shy, but sharp as a tack. Point to story is that we did some activities today geared toward celebrating his birthday. He doesn't usually offer a lot of comments that aren't elicited by a clinician. But, he opened up his present and card and looked at myself and the other clinician and said "Thank you, and thank you." He made fantastic eye contact and directed his attention flawlessly. This may seem so minute- but it's HUGE. And, it absolutely melted my heart. SO, I challenge you to be so pleased by the seemingly small efforts of gratitude made by people. The way things are today, there are a lot of not-so-genuine displays of thankfulness. Be pleased by the movements of the heart that we seem otherwise immune to :)

A random note: I have recently dropped facebook. I am an addict, and I am not excited by that. I didn't realize until recently how much emotional/ mental overload it causes. I found out way too much overwhelming information in about five minutes. It's a ridic cycle. You find out someone else is married, pregnant, pregnant and not married, at a high-paying job, in jail, blah, blah, blah. I don't think a person is meant to witness a flood of info like that in a span of 24 hours. We don't take time to experience emotions anymore. When we log off, we're done with it. Not too natural, if you ask me. I may or may not succumb and add it back soon. Hopes are to go without for as long as possible. Replace it with having coffee with someone that I need experience by being in their presence.

This weekend should be nice. Hopefully, I'll be able to have dinner with an intern friend Friday night in Nashville. He and I were two of twelve college students that lived in Honduras for a month and a half. Only a couple of them are in close proximity, and luckily he's one of them. He has such an interesting take on things. It's nice to talk to someone who really wants to share the experiences and stories from that time. I feel like most people aren't as entertained by it as I am. Understandably so. I also get to help with a surprise party for my grandfather that is turning 80 :) That's an obvious blessing. I think he'll love this. 8o years of life is certainly something to be happy about in many ways.

Spending time with Chadwick tomorrow at the Needtobreathe concert! Werd. I don't know if I'm looking forward to them as much as I'm looking to spend time with Chad. Love him. Should be an eventful evening.

Enjoy the sunshine!

Herrow

Hello whoever you are, and bless your soul for reading whatever may be transferred from my head through my fingers. 3/4 of the time I can't understand what's I'm thinking, and I most certainly can't communicate it well. Which may or may not be a reason why I've decided to blog. I don't like to write as much as I think, and I can backspace or cut out what I don't want you to see. What a concept?

So how do you begin blogging? "Dear Diary, today Jake finally looked at me" ...

Lucky for you, my love life is even less intriguing than this so you won't hear about it much.

Here would be the most relevant and current information: I'm 22 (feel old), in grad school for speech language pathology (I'm not sure why I did that, either), am a sorry excuse for a Christian (but want to be madly in love with God), and may or may not seem a little off kilter at times (or most of the time). I've seen a lot, and done too much.

I've got this ridiculous tangled web for a brain that doesn't finish a complete thought, but begins many. I love a lot, and I'm a dork. I haven't always liked to learn- but it's a recently acquired trait. It makes life a lot more interesting than I thought it could be. People make my life interesting... like the children I work with in clinic! Little soldiers, they are. You can't help but to feel like you've been given a gift to interact with them, and play a small part in their lives.

My life is in a state of transition, a one that is good and for the better but not so fun. Friendships are waning that I thought were as close to a sibling relationship could get. Contrastively, friendships that I thought had done their do are reigniting. My narrow mind is slowly, but certainly opening. God is working in me, though I sometimes don't feel like I am working with Him. One day in retrospect, I'll see the big idea about this stage in my life. I know it's to serve a bigger purpose, hopefully for others besides myself.

I feel like that's good for now. Thanks for checking this out!