I know that I’m in reach ‘cause I am down on my knees waiting for something beautiful…

By nature, I hope, I think a lot about the relationship between men and women. It seems to be the topic of many conversations, as it has been for quite some time. I wonder what will be the hot topic when all of my girlfriends and I are married (insurance rates, houses, calcium medicine). Those of us who aren’t married talk less about being with someone than we used to, though I’d say we yearn for it more day by day. That’s one thing that I find interesting about the way friendships and relationships in general evolve; we begin to talk less about things that increasingly become more important to us. I think we like to hold these feelings close to our heart as they are extremely valuable. When they reach their utmost level of importance: marriage, relationships are talked about even less. I think it’s wonderful! I have mucho respect for those who sincerely want to keep the highs and lows of marriage between the two.

I have talked to a mentor-friend of mine who speaks of when she dated her husband. She wanted to keep the feelings she had for her future husband to herself; she didn’t let everyone know how she was feeling. It was her GIFT! I want that! I want something that was started between me and the man I’m waiting for and I want it to be genuinely sacred. I don’t want a faux relationship that was conjured up by another friend trying to set me up. I’ve been forcing God’s time by trying these “set ups” out. For those who said ‘just go out for a dinner, and don’t worry if you don’t wind up liking each other,” why don’t you go out with him? Is it just me, or are failed first dates, diminished phone calls, or bad connections hard to dismiss? Takes a toll on the ol’ ego after a while.

So, “you just know.” Then I guess I’ll just wait. I think many times about the companionship I want from a relationship. I think so much about how I want a spiritual leader. A real man. I want it SO BAD and ON MY OWN TIME that I think that tool that I’m trying to make it work with may miraculously turn into a spiritual leader. PLEASE. How many girls would I chastise for doing this same thing?

I AM SO BLESSED!! I am so blessed that God has me single right now!! And, I say this for the rest of you who are without a significant other. I think it’s pretty powerful that He is preparing me and my future MAN to be together. That He is forcing me to grow right now- because I wouldn’t be doing it on my own free will right now.

Our God is good. The sole purpose for a relationship is to glorify Him. To live for Him. To help those in our path to walk with him. It works this way single or in a relationship.

I like cards, cake, and flowers

Aw, man. Alls I can say is that my weekend was fantastic thanks to some awesome friends of mine. I didn't expect much out of my 23rd birthday. It's not celebrated as a huge milestone, but it was probably my favorite. We'll start with the fact that I'm off FB. Let's all admit, those of us who have or who have had FB, that it is nice for your wall to be eat up with "happy birthday!!" I was afraid I would miss that. But, no. Hearing it from people that know when my birthday is without a status update makes things extra special! The fact that Steph and Co. had a get together to celebrate with me was tight. Low key. Cool people. Cards. Great food. Good games. Fun times. No boos.. Flowers*. My cousin also text me a bday wish at 12:01. Cute, right? I wound up going to a wedding on the actual day. It was nice! It was nice because I was able to travel a little bit with the Agape kids, check out a beautiful English garden, and have lunch at Cracker Barrel with some more friends all before coming back to veg out, watch a movie, and eat some scrumptious cake. I just felt LOVE all around, all weekend. Love through greetings, wishes, cards, and presence (literally, being around people). Thank you all :)

I will say that I missed my family being around...and Gerilyn, Jaime, Nate, and Ashley.

I've also been staying alone in the apartment for the past couple of days while S. Jackson stays in Millington. It's kind of nice being here, a prelude to living alone. I like being able to buzz around and do my own thing- run around however you want. It's quiet...which will probably take a while to get used to. However, I do like having Jack around. We don't see each other much, but it's still good to know that we're here together for the meantime.

I've been getting some sun, too! I like that Vitamin D! It's so soothing to lay out. I've also been hittin' the Jillian Michaels. She makes me mad enough to finish her workout. That's legit motivation. AND I shopped partly organic last week. It's expensive, but me likes. Which brings me to a recent thought. I like change, I also like consistency- but change is nice. I guess I like a core of consistency and an orbit of change. It's interesting to me how we can strive to change something very consciously for so long, but most change seems to sneak up on you. I've grown in friendships that I didn't expect, I'm in the midst of dropping bad habits, and hopefully growing.

Cha-cha-cha-changes

Excited that Needtobreathe has an opening song on 'Castle.' Had to say that before I forgot! I'm still on a SERIOUS kick listening to their music only.

Anyway, how nice. I'm sitting in the apartment that I'm now sharing with S. Jackson watching Dancing with the Stars. I don't know what to do with myself! I'm moved into this place for the most part and am looking forward to spending the next year here by myself or with her. Right now things are pretty peaceful and I have no concept of time. Kind of like how you get when you're on vacation- not much looking at the clock, no intense pressure, doing things at your own pace. I feel more productive and much less stressed this way. I think this concept of time comes from having no weird vibes about this new place. At a certain point you're able to associate dwelling places with good, bad, stress, hurt, dissatisfaction and so on. I guess that's how it got with the old place- sooo many memories. This place is fresh and pure. I could use that in my life.

I'm afraid I'll start watching more t.v. now that I'm here. There's a set in the den/ my bedroom that is very convenient to cut on. I enjoyed a little VH1 this morning; some wake up music thingy. It was on while I was cleaning and straightening up. That's when I realized that I am really digging routine and organization. I think that's another sign of age. But I like it :) I was also actually looking forward to coming back to my clients. Predictability has become my friend. Most predictability; like my coffee in the morning, the weekly cleaning of my bathroom, the schedule of my clients, and frequent friend dates. Predictability I am not a fan of- exams, cleaning my clothes/ dishes, boys being stupid.

This past week has been kind of bizarre. So many beginnings and ends. Helen graduated and went back to Winchester. Someone that I've shared the majority of my life with for the last 4.5 years. I've moved in with someone else I've shared a lot of my college life alongside- Sara Jackson. I'm feeling good about this. She is such great friend/ encourager/ listener. Staying with her will be good, and I certainly hope that she is able to gain something from the situation. Hollybob is getting hitched in three weeks, and two other people I know are getting hitched within the next month. May- June are a whirlwind of changes; mostly good! Thankfully. I'm glad for times like this, though they can be overwhelming. It makes me reflect and/or short-circuit myself. I'm not graduating or getting married. Reality check: I'm halfway through a program and am not wasting my time with someone who isn't worth it. Those are both nice things. Grass is always greener? Not really... just different and interesting.

My summer break

So even though I can hear a few cars passing on the highway close to the house, it’s still pretty peaceful to be in McMinnville. The fireflies are even out J I used to catch them and keep them in a jar. Of course we poked holes in the jar, we were humane!

I’ve been here about a week now, and it’s been good for the most part. I let temporary occurrences completely overshadow the good things that go on and the agitations get in the way of enjoyment. It’s slowly sinking in the precious moments that we have together, as family and as friends. I didn’t begin to realize this until recently…how old my family is getting. How it’s not just arthritis and a little back pain, but congestive heart failure, kidney problems, and an overall decline in health. I’m mainly referring to my grandmother and her siblings. I have always been closer her side even more than my immediate relatives. There are many things about that generation that baffle me, and distance me from them. Like their racisms, very traditional views of the church, and passivism toward necessary conflict. BUT they also offer rare and BEAUTIFUL jewels. Like how reflexive selfless love is by giving; love unsolicited. Not just taking food to the bereaved, but giving my mom flowers that originated at my great-grandmothers house (mom= big fan of flowers and sentiments). Like making me sweet cross-stitch pieces, and cooking country ham and red-eye gravy when I come home. Also, simply the simplicity of life. Like “tootin’ around” with my Granny, just riding around the country side and her pointing out flowers I don’t know about (I bet we’ve done that since I was 13 and learning to drive illegally J). Like how Unk and Aunt Doris would drive me 30 minutes to the Waffle House in Manchester before we had one, or how they took my to Lucky Community Center and Unk got on the see-saw with me. Or how Aunt Nelta is still picking up grand-kids and adopted grand-kids from school and entertaining them until their parents get off. Even writing this makes me forget about how irritated I get here.

I woke up this morning extra-emotional. Meaning I was able to cry at an appropriate time, actually at a very hyper-sensitive level for me. Usually I can only cry at inappropriate times, like when I’m laughing hysterically. I started to tear up almost immediately after I woke up- this was solicited by a tender dream. My great uncle was in the dream. He just lost his wife and I saw him on Sunday. I don’t know where you come from, but I’m not accustomed to seeing men emotional. We asked him how he was right off of the bat and he tuned up. He’s not doing well, physically or emotionally. This is a wonderful man who is old, who has just recently lost the love of his life, who can’t expect anything to be the same physically from one day to the next, who is simply broken. This is natural, and ok, I must reassure myself. But talk about raw sadness. Not just “I’m sad because my car broke down, or nothing is going my way.” But, sad because you are never really prepared to be at such a loss. You’ll never again be at such a loss. And you’ll never really ever recover. You know though, I think this is love at its purest. When else do you feel comfortable enough to need someone, or for someone else to mercilessly extend themselves to you and offer you love and support? Usually when you have nothing else to lose. We saw him today, and he was in higher spirits. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he’s got a massive family with good values that will support him to the utmost. He’s a good man.

I also cried today because a 20 year old man, a hero as we say, died. He died by gunfire in Afghanistan. The second one in our county to have their lives taken in this war. May not seem like many, but this is a small county. 20. I knew of him, knew of him a long time ago. He was a feisty thing that was small, but went the extra lengths to make sure that he not only kept up with the rest, but exceeded them. His mom found out on Mother’s Day. I feel shameful saying I don’t consider the war or our soldiers much. I’d be the first to rag on the government (not that I know a whole lot of what’s going on). But this man died to keep us here. I may not agree with everything the government stands for, I don’t understand a lot. But strip us of the technologies and the arrogance and we are still a land full of people here to this day primarily because people like him have fought, risked, and given their lives. If we don’t watch the news or read the newspaper, we’re not aware of what people are risking. Matter of fact, we’re selfish enough to think that nothing goes on and things are good simply because we’re American- we are just in a state of being that is profound naturally. What does being American stand for? And who has made you American- are you by birthright, or are you because people have fought for you to be? 20. At twenty, I was just beginning to feel like an adult. I’ve celebrated a 21^st, 22^nd, and soon a 23^rd birthday since then. So young.

Anyway, I’m sure you feel optimistic after reading this. Not being a Debbie Downer, but a little more going on in my head than usual. If you’re reading this and understand it, reflect a little on some stuff. And please pray for Jeremy Brown’s family.

We could go away, maybe we could change, get back on our feet again...

We could run away...or maybe we could change, get back on our feet again, maybe make it home again. That would be a true sense of accomplishment.

By nature, I'd like to run as far away as possible. In many ways I have. What a sense of relief when you stick around and through it. Yeah, callousness arises and things seem much less appealing. It's much more dramatic and exhilarating to run from a situation when you are at your emotional peak of anger, pain, and confusion. It makes the retelling of the stories much more interesting "well, she did this and I told her to bite me and never call me again." The stories that end with "yeah it was crap, but we came to a level of reconciliation or are able to maintain a level of civility" aren't near as exciting. However, those are probably the most peaceful situations. Maybe sometimes it takes us a super long time to get over that pain, anger, and confusion. Maybe sometimes there is a continual residual effect of those emotions. And it sucks so bad to deal with it- but it probably has the most fulfilling outcome. Maybe not in the form of a golden friendship, but in the form of personal strenght.

I know I'm just a student, and I have few wise stories. But, I've experienced my first long period of discomfort. The luster is beginning to fade- which is fine. It's fine because when the shine fades, it reveals truth. Truth is much more pure and easy to deal with than having to first work to wear down the shine to get to the meat of things. It's sad to realize that some of the people you're around are polished with an exuberance, and are at the core, so rusted and scared to reveal themselves. We're all that person more times than none. What bondage? Yuck. But there is something so beautiful about the humility of a raw, broken person. So for that, I am grateful for the polish to fade. I'm much less attractive when I'm real to those who are still satisfied solely with shine. It's hard to accept that my friend repertoire decreases when I become this person. But how pure do those relationships become that you maintain? What kind of example are you setting for that person that is now put off by your rust? When they're ready, it will no longer be foreign. It's REAL. It's nice to see real in this world.

So, I challenge us to strip ourselves of this polish. Be raw. Be broken. Be real. Let God offer his truth through us, His humility.

Things are on the upswing. I say this past year has been rough, and it has. Thank God that these things have happened. It's so awesome, because when you reveal brokenness to those not scared of truth- they help put you back together. How beautiful. Thank you for you who have been my adhesive, to you who have dealt with my qualms, to you who have been my support. Let me do that for you.

Should I be doing something else?

It's been a bit since the last time I blogged. I thought I would be able to keep up with it a little more often than I have.

Right now I'm dog-sitting for my friends Bree and Aaron while they go to her sister's graduation. I'm in there house...and loving it! You don't realize how much you're privacy deprived until you get into a large open space and realize nobody else is in it :) I look forward to having a house and a dog. For the next year or so, I guess I'll take the downstairs apartment at the Fuller's. That will be a for sure advancement!

Of course I am procrastinating studying for my dysphagia exam. It's going to be about as fun as it sounds. At this point, I've forgotten that I'm actually still in school. Whoops! I'm doing a good job putting it off. Right now I'd rather let my allergies settle and watch Twilight... and I guess blog.

I have a few statements for the week regarding disposition and general friendliness. Just as a disclaimer: I make faces at people when they pass by me without returning my smile/ wave. Seriously, are people so unhappy about life that they have a permanent grimace on their face? So aggravated at the human race that they can't seem to used the paralyzed muscles around their lips and pull up the corners just to respond to a kind gesture? Well, just so you know, I stick my tongue out at you when we pass and you make me feel stupid for being nice. Bite me.

I also have a few statements for the week regarding motivation and complaining. I have come to the unfortunate realization slowly the past year that I am an adult. Which I now understand gives me another level of expectation for my fellow a-dults. And it gives me another tolerance. I used to feel bad for people that seemed socially inept. Key words being 'used to.' But if you're AT LEAST my age. Don't talk to me about 'being bored,' or 'I don't have anyone to hang out with or anything to do.' DETACH yourself from facebook, myspace, the wii, blogging, TV...whatever your addiction(s) may be. Then follow these simple steps. 1) Pick up that expensive cell phone you use only to text 2) bypass the message screen and go straight to the phone book 3) find a friend 4) hit the CALL button (sometimes it's green/ red) 5) Use respiratory and oral pressure to ask the person on the other line to hang out. OR 1) Since you're already on the computer, go to Google 2) Look up volunteer positions in your area 3) or look up some sort of cool class to go do 4) MAKE THE EFFORT and go do it. Please, people. Spare me. You're far too talented and able-bodied to just let your butt atrophy from lack of will. You can be social. You just don't want to try. I have zero tolerance for apathy, so don't expect me to entertain you by feeling bad or responsible for your unhappiness.

I feel like this post is bi-polar. Oh well. Welcome to my life.