My summer break

So even though I can hear a few cars passing on the highway close to the house, it’s still pretty peaceful to be in McMinnville. The fireflies are even out J I used to catch them and keep them in a jar. Of course we poked holes in the jar, we were humane!

I’ve been here about a week now, and it’s been good for the most part. I let temporary occurrences completely overshadow the good things that go on and the agitations get in the way of enjoyment. It’s slowly sinking in the precious moments that we have together, as family and as friends. I didn’t begin to realize this until recently…how old my family is getting. How it’s not just arthritis and a little back pain, but congestive heart failure, kidney problems, and an overall decline in health. I’m mainly referring to my grandmother and her siblings. I have always been closer her side even more than my immediate relatives. There are many things about that generation that baffle me, and distance me from them. Like their racisms, very traditional views of the church, and passivism toward necessary conflict. BUT they also offer rare and BEAUTIFUL jewels. Like how reflexive selfless love is by giving; love unsolicited. Not just taking food to the bereaved, but giving my mom flowers that originated at my great-grandmothers house (mom= big fan of flowers and sentiments). Like making me sweet cross-stitch pieces, and cooking country ham and red-eye gravy when I come home. Also, simply the simplicity of life. Like “tootin’ around” with my Granny, just riding around the country side and her pointing out flowers I don’t know about (I bet we’ve done that since I was 13 and learning to drive illegally J). Like how Unk and Aunt Doris would drive me 30 minutes to the Waffle House in Manchester before we had one, or how they took my to Lucky Community Center and Unk got on the see-saw with me. Or how Aunt Nelta is still picking up grand-kids and adopted grand-kids from school and entertaining them until their parents get off. Even writing this makes me forget about how irritated I get here.

I woke up this morning extra-emotional. Meaning I was able to cry at an appropriate time, actually at a very hyper-sensitive level for me. Usually I can only cry at inappropriate times, like when I’m laughing hysterically. I started to tear up almost immediately after I woke up- this was solicited by a tender dream. My great uncle was in the dream. He just lost his wife and I saw him on Sunday. I don’t know where you come from, but I’m not accustomed to seeing men emotional. We asked him how he was right off of the bat and he tuned up. He’s not doing well, physically or emotionally. This is a wonderful man who is old, who has just recently lost the love of his life, who can’t expect anything to be the same physically from one day to the next, who is simply broken. This is natural, and ok, I must reassure myself. But talk about raw sadness. Not just “I’m sad because my car broke down, or nothing is going my way.” But, sad because you are never really prepared to be at such a loss. You’ll never again be at such a loss. And you’ll never really ever recover. You know though, I think this is love at its purest. When else do you feel comfortable enough to need someone, or for someone else to mercilessly extend themselves to you and offer you love and support? Usually when you have nothing else to lose. We saw him today, and he was in higher spirits. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he’s got a massive family with good values that will support him to the utmost. He’s a good man.

I also cried today because a 20 year old man, a hero as we say, died. He died by gunfire in Afghanistan. The second one in our county to have their lives taken in this war. May not seem like many, but this is a small county. 20. I knew of him, knew of him a long time ago. He was a feisty thing that was small, but went the extra lengths to make sure that he not only kept up with the rest, but exceeded them. His mom found out on Mother’s Day. I feel shameful saying I don’t consider the war or our soldiers much. I’d be the first to rag on the government (not that I know a whole lot of what’s going on). But this man died to keep us here. I may not agree with everything the government stands for, I don’t understand a lot. But strip us of the technologies and the arrogance and we are still a land full of people here to this day primarily because people like him have fought, risked, and given their lives. If we don’t watch the news or read the newspaper, we’re not aware of what people are risking. Matter of fact, we’re selfish enough to think that nothing goes on and things are good simply because we’re American- we are just in a state of being that is profound naturally. What does being American stand for? And who has made you American- are you by birthright, or are you because people have fought for you to be? 20. At twenty, I was just beginning to feel like an adult. I’ve celebrated a 21^st, 22^nd, and soon a 23^rd birthday since then. So young.

Anyway, I’m sure you feel optimistic after reading this. Not being a Debbie Downer, but a little more going on in my head than usual. If you’re reading this and understand it, reflect a little on some stuff. And please pray for Jeremy Brown’s family.